*on the phone while playing my new low-level character in a higher level zone in WoW*

Me: Ahhhhh!

Grandmother: What? What's wrong?

Me: oh nothing. I was getting chased by a grizzly bear.

*long pause*

Grandmother: ... In your apartment?

Awesome... a piece of writing I was working on recently just disappeared out of the blue. It was about 80 pages.

The file is nowhere to be found on any of my drives and I know I didn't delete it myself. Things seem to disappear without a trace on this machine... either that or the cat did it when I wasn't here.


Looks like I'll be running data recovery all night. Ugh. It make's everything lag,especially WoW, so I guess I am going to bed.

Ugh.

I had so much fun today. Isma left early this morning and I got up and played WoW for a while then went into town for tea. I ran into Lauren and Paul at Starbucks and hung out with them for a little bit then Paul went home and I hung out with Lauren a bit more and got to see her new kitten. She's sooooo fucking adorable, like explodey cute. We hung out for a while then I went over to Rhianna's to meet up with her, Gabby and Mabin and we headed to The Shanty.

Around 11 we went over to The Boiler Room for karaoke and omg we had so much fun, holy crap I sang like 3 songs I am seriously going to start going like twice a week. It was insta-happy. So every time I find myself crying and thinking about people things that make me want to kill myself I'll just go out and sing cheesy music???

Now I am going to head to bed and join Rhianna, Gabby and Mabin for brunch before Gabby and Mabin head back to the bay.

XD

I'm never going to be happy again. There is nothing any of you can do about it... well most of you.

I've lost too much in these last few months... I just want to die. I really, really do.

I'm so tired of this... I'm so tired of feeling but yet I hate being numb.

I just want to die. I just want to erase everything from the last... amost two years. It kills me. I don't know what I am going to do. I'm not moving, that plan was full of fail. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck with these people things I am trying desperately to get away from; stuff I won't be able to move on from unless I can get far away.


I don't know what to do anymore.

I just don't know what to do.

Drank myself stupid. Did stupid shit. Cried myself sick. Haven't cried this hard since that incident in March.


Now I'm going to eat some of this horrible Taco Bell that is sitting in my fridge and go pass out again.


Maybe if I am lucky the Taco Bell is laced with deadly poison. Better me eating it, right?

This..... this is my goal.


http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/red-leopard-wiggle-dress.html

http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/red-vintage-wiggle-dress.html


Not that size... just the ability to wear such a dress. It's always been skirts and shirts.... a hot skirt and a so-so shirt to hide my whale-like stomach.

No, no, no. I want THE DRESS.

I will be pretty, damnit! I will be desirable!

But I have a death wish.

Please let this all work out. Please let me get out of here.

I should probably know sometime this week if I will be moving to Sacramento... if I am I will probably be gone shortly into July.


If this works out I am going to finally get out of Humboldt and that is amazing. I will do everything I can to make myself forget about those... certain things that have plagued my mind for the past 20 months or so.

I will start anew (keeping in contact with only select few from this horrid place.) I will find a decent job. I will join a choir or singing group. I will join a gym. I will walk more. I will not skip breakfast. I will stop snacking in the middle of the night. I will learn something new every day. I will learn to stop and breathe and think instead of jumping and reacting. I will be kinder. I will try to always find something to smile about... just please let this work out.

I just need to get out of here.

I feel like my life's soundtrack consists only of those super dramatic and despairing songs that are always played when a character breaks down. You know what I mean right? Character falls to his/her knees in the middle of the street and cries out at the top of his/her lungs while the rain pours around them in buckets... and all this occurs right at the climax of an already intense musical piece (usually orchestrated or one of those overly intense alternative rock songs during the dramatic key change.)

Seriously, I have a terabyte of music (which is often all loaded and set to shuffle) and everytime I start thinking and getting emotional about certain things a song fitting that description just happens to come on.

I used to never cry. There was a period of time where I couldn't.

Now it seems as though everything makes me cry... a simple gesture, a glance, certain parts of songs, etc. I'm pretty pathetic.



I need to get out of here. I need to get away from.... well, I need to get away.

"Hun, what's up with all the gay guys named Brian, Mike and Justin? You've fucked them all and unfortunately none of them were from Queer As Folk." - Me to Isma

Honestly... who would care if I died? There aren't many people (if any) who actually care if I am alive.

The ones I care about the most probably wish I would just kill myself already. Nobody wants me to exist.



...And I'm not sure if I want to either.

Went to bed around 3am. Woke up around 6am... sinuses are driving me insane, ugh. I've had this shitty sinus headache all day. I am out of eggs. I am out of milk. I should go to the store.

My computer keeps spazzing out and restarting/forcing me to restart from time to time... usually when Xurai is fighting something... by the time I have restarted Xurai is either dead or somebody else just killed what I was about to fight and then I have to wait for it to respawn. Something's up.. I'm not sure if it's a video card issue or a memory issue... either way something hates me and does not want me to enjoy WoW.

I'm going out to lunch with my mother tomorrow. She will be in town for a little while on her way back to Fort Bragg from Brookings.


I had a dream last night that I was back with my ex that I dated for 6 years... from 2001 to 2006.... yeah, that was weird.



I'm not sure what I am going to do with the rest of the day... I was going to go to Elysia's either today or tomorrow but today I'm not feeling so hot. Frakkin' headache. I'll probably run to the store for some food and tea then come back and play WoW or find something to watch maybe get some more cleaning done.


Yeah... I may have sold my soul to World Of Warcraft... but my kitchen, bathroom and car are spotlessly clean!

Lindsay has turned down ruthless Sicilian Alessio Capelli once before, but he's determined she won't do it again - he will use her and discard her! Circumstance has provided him with the ideal opportunity: Lindsay has been forced to step into her missing sister's shoes and work for him.

This time Alessio will be the one in control. He relishes the thought of having a virgin in his bed, and he'll do everything to keep her captive - until he's ready to dismiss her...



Judging by the cover I would say she isn't too upset... as long as he only puts it in her ass so that she can stay a good little Catholic virgin.


O hai Erin!

We just had a 3.8 earthquake about 31 miles south of Eureka... My building shook... but I thought someone upstairs just fell down/moved something large.

Ah, old buildings.

So I have a low-level undead warlock on Shandris and someone 3 levels higher than me asks me to join a group for a level 11 quest I was working on (I was at level 10). I declined, preferring to solo. I was slamming through quests one to two levels higher than me anyway. What does he/she/it do? Get all bitchy like "OMG YOU CAN'T DO IT!" and "FINE BE THAT WAY!"... to which I then proceeded to clear the quest about 5 seconds later.

Seriously, why get all butthurt because I declined your group invite? Are you lonely? Did I hurt your poor ego? Soooorrrry for not letting you complete my quest for me. Go away.


Anyway yeah. I'm going to power-level the fuck out of Xurai tonight, hopefully get her caught up to Xeldiem by morning... I might possibly transfer her to Lightninghoof. It was kind of annoying... my friend wanted to play with me and it was like

Friend: omg play with me on WoW...
Me: Where are you? I'm on Lightninghoof, Horde. Go make a char.
Friend: I'm on Shandris. You come over here.
*days later*
Me: So today I made an Undead Warlock on Shandris I'm at 13... where are you?
Friend: Oh, well I made one on Lightninghoof after all but I can't play because the good computer is fucked up AND I'm broke.
Me: Oh..... Ok.




Yeah.

www.ticketmaster.com/event/1C00429BD3B75143



Hell yes... and almost in time for my birthday. Sooooo going.